Why we Should Stop Trying to Become One in a Relationship


“In any relationship in which two people become one, the end result is two half people.”  

-Wayne W. Dyer

One of the most important relationships you will have in your life is your relationship with yourself and that took me years to learn, all after a failed 7-year relationship and many lessons later. I always thought that in order for me to be happy, I had to find someone who can compliment me and make me happy along the way. I always saw it as their main responsibility and didn’t understand what the point of a relationship was if not to fully take responsibility for the happiness of your partner.

I grew up in a culture that stressed the importance of being submissive and emphasized the need for females to make sure your husband had everything he needed from you; otherwise, he would find it somewhere else and leave you. This is what I believe led me to this notion that we needed to always become one and be happy doing absolutely everything together… You see, my job was never to worry about my needs because that was clearly my partner’s job and so I let go of worrying about it until I realized it wasn’t getting me anywhere.

I’m the early stages of a relationship, people normally show the best version of themselves and not the real version you will be with long-term. We have this need to impress others and end up hurting  everyone when the mask finally falls off. I want real messy people who have the same struggles I have and are not afraid to show their imperfections.

Nowadays, I don’t see how you can establish a strong us if you don’t first have a strong me and you to support that structure. If you lose yourself the moment you enter into a relationship, you will spend the rest of your life trying to find that self and blaming the other person for not allowing you to be YOU. I think we forget at times how powerful we are and that this one life we have can go away any minute. If you don’t make an effort to make yourself happy now, then when?

I refuse to become one in any relationship and I refuse to take responsibility for making anyone else happy. By saying that, I don’t imply that I will not nurture the relationship and be loving and supportive all the way, what I mean is that happiness is an inside job and not something you let others manage. I believe your partner is a part of your life, but not your life.  We need to make sure we practice self-love at all times because, at the end of the day, there is absolutely nothing you can give someone else if it is not already inside of you. This is one of the many boxes society wants to put you in and we need to learn to step out in order to see each other as we truly are…Imperfect and loving human beings who want to belong and grow and be happy.

How was I able to get out of that box?

Be part of the pack without losing yourself

I made a few agreements that helped me maintain this vision because at times you can forget and literally lose yourself trying to please others. Some of the things I’ve incorporated to help me remain true to this challenge include: 

  • Having me time that I enjoy often alone and in silence at times
  • Having common friends but also having my own separate friends whom I adore and spend time with as often as I can
  • Spending time apart purposely which helps you actually miss each other
  • Having a common but also my own separate bank account
  • Keeping your hobbies
  • Making sure that compromises are not one-sided
  • Taking turns to decide where to go on vacation next (a huge one for me)
  • Making sure you are not selling an image of your perfect self to please those around you

When we enter a relationship, one of the goals is to grow together and to actually help each other become a better version of ourselves. It is to highlight our uniqueness and complement it with whatever it is they can offer. If you feel that you are losing an important part of you, then maybe it is time to evaluate how you can get back to being YOU.

I learned that I had a lot of false beliefs and behaviors that were causing pain in my relationship and are all based on fears and the ego trying to take control. It is hard not to mold yourself into someone different if you spend so much time with that individual and I totally understand that because I’ve done it. We compromise and alter ourselves to please others in hopes to make the relationship work. In the end, IT NEVER WORKS! So keep these tips I listed above in mind and go thru each of them to see if you can be incorporate them. Remember, we all have our own insecurities and we are dealing with imperfect human beings, so be compassionate with others and yourself, and make sure you are not asking for something you cannot give yourself.

I am by no means a relationship expert and I have plenty of learning to do but I want us all to be able to share what works and what doesn’t and perhaps help others along the way. I still struggle with setting boundaries and that is ok, I will get to it when I am ready. I invite you to share in the comments any tips you think may be relevant and share this article with anyone who may need some words of encouragement.

Much Love!

-5xminority

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